I never want...

I never want the voice in my head to be louder than God's voice. I never want my desire to be a priority over God's desire for me. I never want my wants to be more important to me than what God wants for me. I never want the joy of this world to overshadow the joy of His.

Unlocking Doors

There is a show on t.v. called 'My Own Worst Enemy'. Hear it's not doing so well, but that's beside the point. Sometimes we are our own worst enemy. Sometimes we are the one who stands in our way the most, the person who keeps our blessing from coming to us. Sometimes we surround ourselves with an invisible shield made out of fear or anger while we curl up in a fetal position with the blankets pulled over our head and our door locked and then we wonder why God isn't blessing us, why isn't He getting us out of our trials, why He isn't sending someone to us that can help us.

Being a parent, I relate to the way I am God's child through the relationship I have with my own kids. Many times over the years when one of my boys have gotten angry or their feelings hurt, they'd withdraw physically, emotionally and mentally. As a parent I want to put my arms around them and hold them till whatever it is has passed, but as a child they want to be left alone, to live in that anger or hurt for a bit. Sometimes when they were older I'd try to go into their room to console them and find the door locked and they'd ask me to just let them have some time to themselves. This is the same thing we do to God. God always wants to console us, to help us get through whatever is hurting us and He can help in a way that every parent wishes they could, but we lock Him out. We've locked our spiritual door and we're reveling in our hurt and our anger. Sooner or later we exhaust ourselves and we finally open that door to Him and then...we wonder why we waited so long when He'd been standing there knocking all that time.

Lord, I'm opening my door to you. Come in, You are welcome into my heart, my life...help Yourself with all things personal. I give all things that concern my family and myself to You, I trust You to take care of them, Your shoulders are so much broader than mine, and being a parent, I understand the desire to comfort and care for me. I am so blessed that You love me, that you desire for my needs to be met and for my heart to be joyful. Anything else brings dishonor to You. I pray that Your Holy Spirit would convict me when I'm curled up in my fetal position with my door locked and refusing Your help...Your love...Your joy. I know that is not the life You desire for me.
Bless You Lord, with all that is within me, bless Your holy name.

Lessons of Trust

I think I got out of the habit of writing here when I started my praise journal at home. Sad. I'm struggling through things that I'm sure I'll look back at a later date and see how God carried me the entire way, but right now, I feel painfully alone. I'm thankful that I'd started this blog because reading some of my own words has reminded me of what God has already gotten me through.

I've honestly had God do amazing things in my life. Looking back I can't believe all the doors He opened, the doors He thankfully closed, the things He has forgiven and the blessings He has given me. Amazing. And yet, when the walls are crumbling down around us, it's hard to remember that the outcome isn't up to us. Well, it is up to us if we carry the burden; however it's His when we give it to Him.

Father, I give this burden to You. I give it to You and I trust You with it. Forgive me when I've tried to carry my burdens on my own when Christ suffered and died to carry them for me. I love You, I trust You and I praise You for all You've done and for what You are yet to do.
Forgive me for my lack of faith, for my 'now' vision and cheating You out of blessing me.
I love You. In the name of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, Amen.

God the Father

Casey and I dined out today for Father's Day. We celebrated the love we have for our Father and the love He has for us. When all our fathers have left us, whether it be they passed on or moved out, there is still THE FATHER that loves us beyond our understanding. Today we celebrated the ultimate Father on Father's Day. We shared remembrances of my father and of Casey's paternal grandfather. We shared memories of my dad, Casey's 'Pop', taking his teeth out at the table at The Cracker Barrel one Thanksgiving, but we also remembered his teaching Casey and his brother how to fish, hit a baseball and always calling me 'Tex' after I'd moved to Texas from Indiana. We remembered how his paternal grandfather, 'Papa', loved to play Skip-Bo, generously gave neck rubs and always wore button down shirts. Then we shared the ways our Heavenly Father has blessed us both in so many, many ways...and how great it is that he and I both can share a Father.

Many do not have a father to celebrate Father's Day with, not one in the worldly sense, and today, that was okay for my son and I. We rejoiced in the true Father of us all. We celebrated this day, not only His love for us, but our love for Him.

Happy Father's Day.

All God's Children

This world breaks my heart. The hurt that we direct towards one another honestly grieves me. I don't say that lightly. IT GRIEVES ME.

Whether or not someone, anyone, agrees with us has nothing to do with how we are to treat them. Not if we live in God's word. To love one another was not a suggestion, but a commandment. Upon the cross, beaten and flesh torn from His body, He still loved those who had done this to Him. It was for them that He went through it all, and it was for them He died. Not that first time did He raise a hand against them, not once did He degrade them. He spoke His Father's word to them, He shared the Truth with them, and out of love He died for them.

Often times we, as believers, remind me of siblings that fight, hurt each other and call each other names out of momentary anger, rage and childish behavior. I think of my own children when they were younger (who am I kidding, even as teens they still have their moments) when they battle each other, how it disturbs me. How much more it must grieve our heavenly Father when we go up against one another, and to make matters worse, we do it in His name.

Do I believe that we are to turn our heads when there is wrong being done? No. Do I believe that we turn a blind eye when one of our brother or sisters in Christ are on a dangerous path? No. I'd not watch my sister walk in front of a bus without warning her. But if my sister were so use to hearing me yell at her, when I yelled at her to save her, she'd not hear me. It's when she is use to hearing a loving voice, that when my voice is raised and unsettling that she pays notice to my warning. Instruct, warn, even rebuke in love. If we live our life in God's Word, we will do all things in love. Show the same grace to others that God has shown you.


Short story. Many years ago, when I'd just became a Christian and delivered from a 13 year addiction, God told me to move from Indianapolis, Indiana to Dallas, Texas. Not like moving across the street, and I didn't want to do it. After several months of God dealing with me, and my knowing I was out of His will, I took a vacation to Dallas with a friend to 'test the water'. I was offered a job in Dallas, and knew that it wasn't a coincidence...but it was so hot and the traffic was a nightmare. I turned the job down and went back to Indiana. I had two strangers I'd never met before, individually at different times, and ever so kindly, approach me and told me that God had told them to tell me I was not in His will, that He had a plan for me and I needed to be obedient. I sold or gave away every single thing I owned except for a lamp, a pillow and an outdoor lounger, put them in my little Subaru with my dog and two cats and headed to Dallas. I hired an apartment locater service and had an efficiency waiting for me. When I got to Dallas I had $13.00 left in my pocket. I didn't know anyone. I found a job waiting tables the next day and since I was experienced at it, I was making tips that first day. Good tips. Within a month I was enrolled in a Bible College and within another two months I met (at the Bible College) and married my husband. We were married 22 years and have two of the most incredibly precious teenage sons.
If those strangers had not been faithful and confronted me, rebuked me in love, I'd not have left my comfort zone in Indiana and committed myself to being faithful to what I knew was true. It took those strangers to get me back on that narrow road. We are here to lift up one another.
I encourage you all, in HIS love, to love one another and treat one another with loving ways.

God bless you and may you all be sensitive to the leading and guiding of His Holy Spirit.

Easter...to me

Easter has turned into something sweet, soft and fuzzy, and looking pretty for Church. Those things are great, bearing in mind what Easter truly is. It was a cruel, painful and heartbreaking three days...and above all, it was and is LOVE. His love for us.

If I could drive one thing home to anyone, it would be that Christ did not come to save the righteous, but the sinner. Thank God, that means He came for me...and for you. To celebrate His resurrection this Easter, you must also celebrate His brutal death. To forget what He went through would diminish His resurrection.

With all of that said, I can not apologize for the graphic reality in this video. I hope it will touch you. May God bless your Easter with the understanding of the true gift you have been given.

Each One Matters

Every realationship with God is personal. No two people have the same relationship with the Father, each is based on the individual. Mine is different than yours. I wouldn't want your relationsip, I wouldn't want Billy Graham's relationship, I want my own. My relationship with God is growing. It's forever changing. It's the ONE thing in this world that is mine and mine alone.

Years ago, when I first came to know Him, I was a baby in Christ. I knew nothing, only that I needed Him. Thank God that I knew that much. I'm as stubborn as they come, but I knew that my way wasn't working and that I needed more than I'd been able to give myself to continue to live. I surrendered, which, honestly, was a relief. I'd been trying every road possible and each had led me to a more destructive life than I'd had the day before. When I gave my all, I got His all. What a great deal that was!

I'm a big (huge) fan of Mark Driscoll, T.D. Jakes and my own pastor, Ed Young, Jr. I learn so much from these men. However, I don't want their relationships with God, I want my own. I grow through these men, but I'm not these men. I'm Kathi, loving God and enjoying my journey with Him every step of the way. What I know today is more than I knew yesterday, but not as much as I'll know and understand tomorrow.

Growth is a painful process. The term 'growing pains' is a very real and truthful one. I go through the 'growing pains' of growing and maturing in Christ every single day. I will until the day I leave this life. Although I give thanks for His many blessings, I also get angry and ask why, and sometimes my heart breaks from lack of understanding and I weep, literally, weep for others and sometimes myself, too. Still, I'm a quick study and I learn from experience...mine and others. I'm only human, and I have all the emotions and weaknesses that entails. If there is anyone in all the universe that understands me, it's my Father. My Creator. My God. Even though he sees my actions, my failures (and my occasional accomplishment) and all my downfalls, He also sees my heart. He hears my prayers, He feels my tears, and He feels my pain. He is a Father. He feels my joy and my pain. Being my Creator, He also knows my heart. I'm not Billy Graham, but He loves me just as much and my walk is just as important to Him. He looks as forward to my coming home as He does all His children. He doesn't want me to be anyone but myself. As I grow, I'll stumble and reach for His hand, just as my children once reached for mine. As I grow, become more steady on my feet, He'll smile at my accomplishments just as I smile at my own kids'. When I fall short of a goal, when I ache from trying, when I need time to heal, He'll understand and He'll be there to pat my back, stroke my head and administer my spiritual first aid, just as any parent would do. All of this builds my relationship with my Father, just as all the years with my boys have developed our relationship. Each one different. Each one unique. Each one special.